


Brick by Brick

by delatrose (cavloe12)



Category: Overwatch (Video Game)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety, Confusion, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Pre-Relationship, Slight Dissocciation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-20
Updated: 2017-07-20
Packaged: 2018-12-04 11:41:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,960
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11554470
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cavloe12/pseuds/delatrose
Summary: He'd asked so many questions of himself since opening up to Genji's forgiveness but is he ready for a relationship? Does McCree want one? Or is he just being paranoid again. All these worries pile up and eventually Hanzo has no choice but to break.





	Brick by Brick

**Author's Note:**

> hi, this is a quick oneshot i did mostly because i wanted to write hanzo crying because our boy needs to! crying is good for you! this was a labor of love and i hope you enjoy it. the depictions of dissociation are kind of? idk if they really classify as dissociation but i wanted to tag it anyway.
> 
> also: i talk about sex a lot and make some innuendos but nothing really happens lol
> 
> update 2/27/18: i see yall giving kudos 6 months after this was posted, i still, like, comments too pls

“Hanzo, I…” he trailed off, in some way realizing that this was bad timing of perhaps just trying to gather his thoughts. It seemed it was the latter as he opened his mouth to say more but Hanzo stopped him by placing a finger over his lips.

“Not now,” he said solemnly. He knew what McCree wanted to talk about. It had been floating between them for weeks, months even but now was not the time. They were on a stealth mission currently, on their way out and hiding behind a stack of boxes with members of Talon right in front of them, a terrible place to have such an important conversation.

It had started months ago, pretty soon after he had joined Overwatch, a quiet night after his first successful mission when he and McCree had first slept together. It’d happened many times after that while in their day-to-day life they danced around each other, talking only occasionally and usually discussing only missions. For the last couple of weeks, however, McCree had been making attempts to talk to him about other things: life, hobbies, interests, just little things that showed his interest. McCree’s interest. In him.

It was hard to think about, he didn’t understand it. Why would someone ever be interested in him? Why would they want to burden themselves with everything that came with him? He didn’t understand, there’s nothing remotely interesting about him to incur such feeling in another person. He was simply… no, he wasn’t simple at all, really. That’s why it made no sense. He was a mess no one should ever have to clean up.

He didn’t like thinking about this but he couldn’t stop. He felt empty at the thoughts coursing through his head, void of all emotion but somehow filled to the brim, his heart heavy as an anvil as they snuck out of the building. His mind was elsewhere but also painfully aware of everything going on and he felt grounded to the earth so viscerally it was almost as if there was a chain tying him to existence. He could feel the footsteps of the Talon members just above their heads, could feel the anxiety coursing through his blood. He didn’t feel anything. He felt void.

His heart sank as he looked at McCree, such promise and hope was held tentatively in his eyes but Hanzo could do nothing. He didn’t know how to feel this way, how to reciprocate these feelings thrust upon him and it all overwhelmed him. He decided not to think about it anymore. Instead, he shut down all thought and focused on getting back to their hotel room.

It was sitting on his bed in their small, musty hotel room, looking longingly at McCree’s that the realization hit him. He wanted it. He wanted to feel what Jesse felt. He wanted Jesse to love him.

He remembered the times they were close, lying in bed together, wrapped in each other’s arms, warm and sweet. Jesse had always insisted they cuddle after their trysts and Hanzo had never denied him, secretly enjoying the feeling of him in his arms. So close. He looked at the gap between their beds and as he thought about those times the gap seemed to grow larger and larger, wide as an ocean or space itself. He couldn’t fathom the distance between them even though they had been so close and he struggled to comprehend the feeling. He felt himself slipping into deep thought, his mind going blank and trying to escape the pain the thoughts of their distance held when he reached the edge of the bed.

He didn’t even notice he’d been moving but apparently he did because now he was falling off the side of his bed, towards Jesse’s. It felt like a cliff, sharp and long, his descent maddeningly slow as his emotions bubbled up to the surface of his mind. And then he hit the ground, shoulders first, looking up at the ceiling. It hurt, but not as much as his face, scrunched tight and pushing back tears as he tried desperately not to cry.

But he couldn’t stop it. His face twisted sharply and a heavy sob wracked his frame. He tried to quiet himself, McCree was still in the shower, he would hear anything that he did. He didn’t want Jesse to see him so weak. He didn’t want Jesse to regret his feelings. Soon, though, he couldn’t control it. Hot tears were rolling down his cheeks and cries shuddered through his whole body, shaking him to his core. He felt pain all over, his arms and legs clenched tightly together as he fought against his emotions. He knew he must look ridiculous, lying on the floor and crying like a damn baby but god it hurt so good.

He didn’t notice when Jesse came out of the shower but he vaguely heard his voice and soon felt arms on his shoulders, pulling him up to look into concerned eyes. Those eyes, so deep and caring, so concerned about a man who didn’t deserve it. It just made him sob harder.

“Hanzo!” His name. That was his name, right? He couldn’t remember anymore, he was so lost in his head. Jesse repeated it over and over like a mantra but he just kept crying, he couldn’t stop.

He felt a warmth against him that he registered as Jesse’s chest as arms wrapped so delicately around him and he lost his breath for a second, his eyes wide as he began to hiccup out little sobs. His arms stayed stuck to his sides, unable to return the embrace so graciously given to him by one Jesse McCree.

“Hanzo, answer me, what’s wrong?” He couldn’t answer, just buried his head in Jesse’s shoulder as his body shook in small fits. “It’s all right, Han, I understand. Can you try to take a breath for me? A big, long breath.”

He tried, sucking in a long and stuttering breath and releasing it in a similar way, having trouble keeping his face away from Jesse’s shirt so he didn’t use it as a tissue. He clenched his fists into Jesse’s shirt, trying to stop his shaking but instead just stretching the soft fabric.

“Good, good. Think you can do it again?” He nodded mutely and did it again, his breaths getting more steady with each intake and release. His hands slowly relaxed and wrapped around Jesse as he pushed his face a little further up Jesse’s shoulder. “It’s all right, you can use me as your tissue, already got some on my pants. Just wipe your snot all over me.”

At that he snorted, still trying his best not to get the shirt too dirty as he wiped his eyes on Jesse’s shirt.

“I will not do that,” he said with as much sternness as he could manage.

“Ah, so you’re talking again, that’s good.” He suddenly fell back into his thoughts from hearing Jesse’s voice.

“Jesse, I…” He couldn’t finish, he didn’t know what he was going to say.

“Not now. Let’s just rest for a bit. Do you wanna get on the bed? Kinda uncomfortable on the floor here.” Bed. With Jesse. The gap. The two beds. All his fears from before jumbled. It shouldn’t be this easy to just forgo the warnings in the back of his head. Should it? He nodded hesitantly and followed Jesse up into his bed, lying next to him about half a foot apart. Now he could see Jesse’s face, so close now but still so far away. He was so open, so welcoming and accepting of Hanzo, it made his heart soar. He put a hand against Jesse’s cheek and felt him lean into it. They sat there for a bit, looking at each other in silence. To Hanzo’s surprise, it didn’t feel awkward or anxious as most silences felt to him. Instead the tranquil look and Jesse’s face seemed to penetrate him, calming him and slowing his still slightly unsteady breaths. Jesse smiled at him and he cautiously smiled back.

“You feeling better?” Jesse asked, smile still on his face. Hanzo stopped smiling and looked away, moving his hand from Jesse’s cheek, feeling a bit overwhelmed by the emotions caused by Jesse’s kindness.

“Yes,” he paused, “I apologize you had to see me like this.”

“Aw, sweetheart, ain’t no need to apologize for that. It’s my pleasure to help you out.” His face scrunched up in confusion.

“But why? I don’t understand why you would ever want to take that burden on yourself.” He heard a nervous chuckle from Jesse and turned back to face him.

“Well, that what you do, ain’t it? When you love someone.” Hanzo stared at him in shock. Love? Jesse really loved him? He hadn’t been making it all up? He could tell the shock was written all over his face when Jesse turned away nervously.

“But… why?” He still didn’t get it. Even if he did these things because he loved him, why did he love him? What was there about him to love?

“Why do I love you? God, Hanzo, I don’t know. I just--it’s just how I feel. I don’t know why but ever since we started talking more and just being around you I can’t help but feel… I’m sorry. I shouldn’t be putting this on you, I know you don’t feel the same way.”

“I never said that.” It was Jesse’s turn to look at him in shock.

“Wait, so you--”

“I don’t know. I might. I could. I don’t know. Jesse, I’m so confused.” He looked up at Jesse in desperation, his thoughts jumbled.

“That’s fine, Han, you don’t need to answer now. Take all the time you need and when you know what you want I’ll be here to listen.” Hanzo was quiet for a minute as he thought about what Jesse said.

“I don’t want to go through this alone.” He felt needy and whiny and he hated it, he hated this desperation inside him to just understand.

“I’ll be there with you whenever you need me, baby. I’ll always be by your side until you don’t want me anymore.” He flinched at the wording, it was so harsh. To think that there would be a day when Jesse was no longer by his side… he didn’t want to think about it.

“That will never happen.” Jesse smiled at him and his heart filled with some unnamed emotion he knew he’d understand someday.

“You know, this is the first time you ever called me Jesse.”

“Is it?” Jesse scooted a little closer to him and wrapped an arm around his neck.

“Yeah, you never even called me Jesse in bed. Always McCree this, McCree that, never Jesse. Kinda bummed me out.” He didn’t want to look up at him out of embarrassment and instead nuzzled his head into Jesse’s broad chest.

“I will make sure to call you by your first name from now on, then, Jesse.”

“Aw, darlin, I could get off on hearing you say my name alone.” He hummed deeply and Hanzo felt the vibrations of his chest against his face.

“Jesse Jesse Jesse Jesse Jesse Jesse.” He smiled as he felt Jesse pull him tighter and put his own arms around his partner’s waist.

“Stop that, you.” He laughed softly at Jesse’s indignant tone. Once again there was silence between them as they lay together, wrapped in each other’s arms.

He had always been terrified when thinking of the future but when he thought of Jesse and those warm smiles his fears seemed to drift away. Maybe next time they could get a hotel room with only one bed.

**Author's Note:**

> thank you! i hope you enjoyed it. kudos and comments are loved so much. Please comment!


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